Which ?

How to start this? Okay first of all for the first time in my whole entire life I stalk my crushed exgf facebook and twitter and blogspot. Yours too! I'm sorry. I know its wrong but I can't help it for not knowing what actually happen. I don't have the guts to ask him. Why?
Because I don't want him to think me as such a busybody and I don't want to mess him up thinking about his past. Oh ya for all the benefit I put through just trying to make him forget about his exgf,for sure I don't want to bring out the topic that includes his exgf. 
Now I just felt so guilty. She loves him so much. As much as I do? Well maybe she loves him more. I just hope I could love him better than she does. That if only I got the chance :( or maybe I'm trying to throw that chance away. I don't know. After my last breakup,I'm too fobia with this thing. Even liking boys has been a bad thing for me now days. Its like "NO TYTA YOU CAN'T LIKE HIM. ITS ILLEGAL!" Oh mann :'\
So whats with this guilt feeling? Its when I thought that is it me trying to take away some other girls boyfriend? Am I'm to blame? Then I go cried,alone. 
Then I thought back when he invited me to come along to Johor Bharu this Friday / maybe KL (we planned this earlier,maybe its not happening) to celebrate new years together. I was so happy. All this years all I do during new years was sitting at home alone playing PS 2 or maybe watching Tv's to watch other people celebrate *sigh. The facts that before this I was not at my age to hang beyond the time. But hey? Now I am 18 y/o & legal ! Still the plan might not working out. I called him earlier & he said that he's going back to JB tomorrow all of a sudden. Why? Because there's no classes on friday. There goes celebrating newyears "together" huhh.
I should've not put too much hope on that plan. Fine !

Now I start imagining my new years ---> Sitting infront of my laptop. Finishing my assignment. With Barney & Teddy besides me (I'm lucky I still got them ) Also with Dutchlady Strawberries Milk & Gardenia butterscotch along. What a boringg NEWYEARS CELEBRATION FOR A 18 LEGAL GIRL in her bedroom !

Okay. That was enough & I had enough of this. I'm going back to my original mood where I'm acting okay & cool like nothing happen. I'm not letting gooo , I'm just acting like one so that I could see if he's holding on to this or not. Am I making this too obvious? He knows my blog. He might read this. Uhm. So I gotto think one step ahead from him. Taraaaaa! (;